(no subject)

[merelyn]

I saw Monster tonight.

Charlize Theron is amazing. I can't even...gah. I walked out of the theatre with a queasy, rusted feeling in the pit of my stomach. It hasn't gone away yet.

On another note...

Something has happened the last two times I've gone home. I've started crying, for perhaps legitimate reasons (the end of ROTK and getting my thumb slammed in a door) and I haven't been able to stop, for about ten minutes afterward.

The reason?

I'm not depressed. (Seriously, I'm not.) It's just that it's really easy for me to be lonely here, partly because I don't have the insanely close group of friends here that does everything together and nothing with anyone else that I had back in high school. And it's not like I don't have some really amazing friends, but I don't feel secure. I can't find a way to get over it. (Yay for trust issues.)

The other part of it is because there are always people around here, and there's nowhere you can get away from college in general. (Yeah, too many people, that's why I get lonely. If that makes any sense.) So I always feel like I should be doing something, and there's nowhere I can go away from that where I don't feel like a loser for being by myself in the evenings (weekday evenings, mostly).

So yeah, I am happy here, just not all the time, for the reasons above. Sometimes I would really feel better if I could just let it out and cry or something. But the crux of it is, as I stated before, there's nowhere you can go to be alone here. Not really. And anyone who knows me knows that I don't (I don't I don't I don't) cry in front of people if I can help it. Unless it's someone I trust. (And again, not completely secure w/ the friends here, so...)

So. Except for one single time this entire year, I haven't cried at college. But it's okay to cry at movies. And when your thumb hurts like a bitch. It's okay to cry when I'm at home. Just not here.

So those two crying spats I mentioned before? It wasn't like I was sad at the time. On the contrary, it was more of a amusing release than anything. Because I was just waiting for the moment when it was okay to cash in on a couple months of choked down tears.

Sorry about the melodramatics. That movie put me in weird mood.

Comments

[moonblade85.livejournal.com]

I completely know what you mean. *hugs* I will be calling you soon! Once it becomes a decent weekend hour, in any case.

[wordweaver06.livejournal.com]

Alone in a crowd. It's ironic but so, so true.

I was worried about you because it seemed like little things (slamming your finger, the end of ROTK) were like a leak in a floodgate for you. College can be so hectic, and stuff just builds. Maybe you could go find a nook somewhere on campus where not a lot of people go and you can be alone without feeling like everyone's doing something around you.

[merelyn.livejournal.com]

I know you were worried, that was part of the reason I posted that. And you're right about the leak in the floodgate thing. But it has been getting better as time goes on. Hopefully the trend will continue.

[wordweaver06.livejournal.com]

And we'll make an effort *not* to slam your finger in car doors. (Evan felt so bad about that.)

::hugs:: Remember you can always talk to me if you need to.

[duckfish.livejournal.com]

You pinpointed my feelings about college exactly. Like word for word. There is no place to be alone, yet you feel lonely. Anyway, know that it WILL get better. It takes time though, you have only known these people for like six months, it would be hard to make immediate best friends. But yeah, so know that you are loved and that I empathize.

I feel 'ya.

[(Anonymous)]

I know how you feel, both in that I too found Charlize to be AMAZING, and I also feel lonely here a lot. I'm so quiet in class, I hardly talk to anyone and now because of Max, it's awkward hanging out with the guys on my floor. And plus, Max had a date with some girl last night. I know how it feels. I don't want to cry because they have already had to deal with me crying here already. If I were down there, we could both cry it all out. Don't worry though, pretty soon it will be summer and Petra will have her DC apartment to party in and everything will be fabulous.

Re: I feel 'ya.

[merelyn.livejournal.com]

Hey, Em! I know, I hate dumping my problems on people that I don't *really* trust. Whereas with the people from back home, I know I could be a weepy bitch and y'all wouldn't leave me. I am so ready for this summer.

*hug* I'm sure things will get better up there.