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Mar. 19th, 2004 11:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
merelynI saw Monster tonight.
Charlize Theron is amazing. I can't even...gah. I walked out of the theatre with a queasy, rusted feeling in the pit of my stomach. It hasn't gone away yet.
On another note...
Something has happened the last two times I've gone home. I've started crying, for perhaps legitimate reasons (the end of ROTK and getting my thumb slammed in a door) and I haven't been able to stop, for about ten minutes afterward.
The reason?
I'm not depressed. (Seriously, I'm not.) It's just that it's really easy for me to be lonely here, partly because I don't have the insanely close group of friends here that does everything together and nothing with anyone else that I had back in high school. And it's not like I don't have some really amazing friends, but I don't feel secure. I can't find a way to get over it. (Yay for trust issues.)
The other part of it is because there are always people around here, and there's nowhere you can get away from college in general. (Yeah, too many people, that's why I get lonely. If that makes any sense.) So I always feel like I should be doing something, and there's nowhere I can go away from that where I don't feel like a loser for being by myself in the evenings (weekday evenings, mostly).
So yeah, I am happy here, just not all the time, for the reasons above. Sometimes I would really feel better if I could just let it out and cry or something. But the crux of it is, as I stated before, there's nowhere you can go to be alone here. Not really. And anyone who knows me knows that I don't (I don't I don't I don't) cry in front of people if I can help it. Unless it's someone I trust. (And again, not completely secure w/ the friends here, so...)
So. Except for one single time this entire year, I haven't cried at college. But it's okay to cry at movies. And when your thumb hurts like a bitch. It's okay to cry when I'm at home. Just not here.
So those two crying spats I mentioned before? It wasn't like I was sad at the time. On the contrary, it was more of a amusing release than anything. Because I was just waiting for the moment when it was okay to cash in on a couple months of choked down tears.
Sorry about the melodramatics. That movie put me in weird mood.
Charlize Theron is amazing. I can't even...gah. I walked out of the theatre with a queasy, rusted feeling in the pit of my stomach. It hasn't gone away yet.
On another note...
Something has happened the last two times I've gone home. I've started crying, for perhaps legitimate reasons (the end of ROTK and getting my thumb slammed in a door) and I haven't been able to stop, for about ten minutes afterward.
The reason?
I'm not depressed. (Seriously, I'm not.) It's just that it's really easy for me to be lonely here, partly because I don't have the insanely close group of friends here that does everything together and nothing with anyone else that I had back in high school. And it's not like I don't have some really amazing friends, but I don't feel secure. I can't find a way to get over it. (Yay for trust issues.)
The other part of it is because there are always people around here, and there's nowhere you can get away from college in general. (Yeah, too many people, that's why I get lonely. If that makes any sense.) So I always feel like I should be doing something, and there's nowhere I can go away from that where I don't feel like a loser for being by myself in the evenings (weekday evenings, mostly).
So yeah, I am happy here, just not all the time, for the reasons above. Sometimes I would really feel better if I could just let it out and cry or something. But the crux of it is, as I stated before, there's nowhere you can go to be alone here. Not really. And anyone who knows me knows that I don't (I don't I don't I don't) cry in front of people if I can help it. Unless it's someone I trust. (And again, not completely secure w/ the friends here, so...)
So. Except for one single time this entire year, I haven't cried at college. But it's okay to cry at movies. And when your thumb hurts like a bitch. It's okay to cry when I'm at home. Just not here.
So those two crying spats I mentioned before? It wasn't like I was sad at the time. On the contrary, it was more of a amusing release than anything. Because I was just waiting for the moment when it was okay to cash in on a couple months of choked down tears.
Sorry about the melodramatics. That movie put me in weird mood.
