merelyn | I didn't write this but it is my fault. (ST:R RPS) (Reply)

Title: Homoe Depot: The Outtakes

Author:

leupagus

Pairing: Chris Pine/paint cans, OFC-that's-suspiciously-like-

rageprufrock/WHORETEARS

Summary: It's an outtake from THIS PIECE OF BUSINESS. Like the stuff that was too shameful for the first story. Think about that.

Warnings: This was written by

leupagus, I take no actual responsibility.

Notes: All you need to know is that Chris Pine a lesbian and is building Zach a gazebo.

Other notes: Following the grand tradition of denial and pointing fingers,

leupagus wants me to post this rather than her, because it's a rule now. Plus I kind of asked for this.

The third and last time Chris has to go back to Home Depot, he makes Zach come with despite all his bitching, because if Zach hadn't gotten all enamored with the nail gun and started an impromptu target range along his back fence, they would still have enough fucking nails.

"I don't even know why you couldn't hammer things like a normal person," Zach pouts from the passenger side.

(

merelyn: ALSO ZQ WITH A NAIL GUN TERRIFIES ME.

rageprufrock: it sort of turns me on unreasonably

merelyn: shocking.

rageprufrock: shuuuut up)

"Yeah, there's only so much I'm willing to do for you, and hammering my thumb isn't one of them," Chris snaps back. "Now shut up and for God's sake stop giving my number out to women."

(

rageprufrock: ahahahhaha
Chris Pine: his life is so hard)

"What? You need to go on dates, you can't just sit at home practicing your glare in the mirror or, you know, being over at my house building stuff."

Zach looks earnestly concerned, which is the only reason Chris isn't driving off Mullholland Drive and into the abyss right now.

(

rageprufrock: !!!
omg does chris have a crush?
that zach doesn't know about?
omg!!!!!

merelyn: chris has feeeeelings!

rageprufrock: so many feeeeelings)

"I date," Chris protests, and it's only a little bit of a lie; the last date had been set up by his publicist, but he'd gotten to second base, and he really does honestly think about calling her sometimes.

(

rageprufrock: oh god that is fucking pathetic
like, even for me, that would be fucking pathetic

merelyn: chris pine: his life is so hard it's worse than

rageprufrock’s

rageprufrock: SOB.

leupagus: Wow, that's pretty dire

rageprufrock: I hate you both.

merelyn: anyway, i wonder what zach's neighbors think of the nice but crazy young man building a gazebo in the backyard.)

But Zach isn't paying attention; instead he's glowering at Chris's hat and trying to snatch it off his head. "Chris - Christopher! Stop moving, you're operating a vehicle here!"

"Stop trying to throw my visor out the window!" Chris yells back.

All in all, it's a miracle they manage to park in the Home Depot lot without killing someone.

(

merelyn: AHAAA. also. okay, can i just say that zach calling him "christopher" is the BEST. THING. EVER.

rageprufrock: oh my god, chris let go of the visor
i do enjoy it
it's v. v. important to me

rageprufrock: whitelaw
jesus christ.
i sort of want to write the story where they're in the middle of fucking

and zach just busts out and starts calling him that and chris is like

THANKS A LOT MY BONER IS GONE NOW, ZACHARY

merelyn: *insert inappropriate "nail gun" innuendo here *

ahaa
do it.

leupagus: Doooo iiiiiit
Also, Chris saying "boner" is also hilarious to me

merelyn: also, it's a lady boner. because: still a lesbian.

leupagus: Also, do either of you want a cameo as disgruntled Home Depot workers and/or women that Zach gives Chris's number to?

merelyn: no. make

rageprufrock do it.

rageprufrock: woman
number
now pls
can i be like

leupagus: Hahaha

rageprufrock: omg zach is this yours?
and be disappointed when it is chris's

merelyn: actually i would like to fake work at home depot. can i fake work at home depot?

leupagus: Yes, yes you can

merelyn: sweet.

rageprufrock: glorious.)

"Okay, so we need nails," Chris says.

"And more vine... seedling... things." Zach makes a vague gesture with his hands that could really mean anything.

Chris glares. "I bought like a rainforest worth of those last time, you're not getting any more."

(

rageprufrock: such a bitch, christopher

merelyn: i know, god.)

"But Noah ate like half of them!" Zach protests. "Also, I saw ones that had periwinkle flowers, come on."

(

merelyn: periwinkle!

rageprufrock: oh god that was such a dangerously toxic gay statement
* dons protective gear *
* mostly, goggles *)

Zach wanders off toward the Garden Center and Chris, trying desperately to cling to whatever remains of his dignity, heads toward the nails aisle and promptly trips over a undercoat paint display

(

rageprufrock: ok, keep going, i'm running out for lunch, brb
AWWWWWWW
CHRIIIIIIIIS
also, i recognize i am leaving you two unsupervised

just before my cameo
abuse this power well

merelyn: YES

leupagus: It's gonna be awesome)

Some part of Chris always thought, if he'd thought about it at all, that display cans were empty. But as his left big toe and shin can attest, they're full, fucking heavy, and really really easy to tip over.

The sheer number of people in ass-ugly orange smocks that converge on the scene reminds him of some kind of battalion move, or maybe that special he saw on Animal Planet with the killer ants, who swarm on a helpless insect and dismember it in like .26 seconds.

(

merelyn: heeeee
oh lord, princess whitelaw, i love you so much.)

Three people have mops, five people have some kind of bucket, and there are at least two people surreptitiously taking pictures of his D-face with their phones. Chris figures they're entitled. This is not a job that comes with a lot of perks.

(

merelyn: they are entitled! he's so noble!)

A besmocked woman wanders up once the worst of the damage has been contained, and smiles at Chris in the same way that Zoe does: like she's thinking of all the ways in which he's retarded.

"Uh, sorry," he tries.

"Don't be. I won the pool - we've been betting how long it would take somebody to do that."

"So you set up these displays to trap innocent customers?" he asks, casually taking off his visor. Something about her reminds him of his best friend from college; the glasses, maybe, or the bangs. She's pretty cute.

The woman - JOSEPHINE, her nametag says, with a heart dotting the ‘i’ - squints at him. "Well, yeah," she says, clearly baffled. "Anyway, what do you actually need? Other than to pay for twenty cans of Baer Basic White?"

(

merelyn: hearts? really? did that have to happen?
don't answer that.

leupagus: heee hehehehehe

merelyn: also, nice with the Baer paint, because we all know it's the Home Depot paint brand of choice.
at least if you're someone like me.)

They end up chatting about the gazebo and the best kind of paving stones for a couple of minutes while he grabs another box of nails - he makes a note to listen to something moderately depressing on the way home when she mentions something about an ex-girlfriend - and then he realizes that he's left Zach unsupervised for close to fifteen minutes in the Garden Center.

"Why are you out of breath?" Zach asks when Chris finally finds him, deep in discussion by some compost with another young woman with glasses, although this one doesn't have a smock on. She does, however, have a glazed expression and seems to be very quietly hyperventilating.

"Did you find the periwinkle?" he asks, instead of answering.

"Oh. No, I got sidetracked. Evelyn here says that in order to ensure optimal growth, you should put down compost around any new seedlings." Zach smiles down at Evelyn, who makes a small "eep" noise. "And Evelyn! This is Chris, I was telling you about him?"

Zach is like the worst yenta ever, although it's probably conclusive proof that he's not really evil (despite what everyone says) that he keeps trying.

"Hi," Chris says.

(

merelyn: oh god. i honestly don't know what

rageprufrock would do if she actually met ZQ and ZQ tried to set her up with CPine.)

He thinks he sounds pretty friendly, but Evelyn's eyes widen and she blurts, "Oh my God - does this belong to you?"

Zach frowns, clearly confused, but Chris just grabs Zach by the elbow and says, "It was great meeting you! We're going to pick up some periwinkle vines, but thanks for the tip about composting!"

"Wait," Zach hisses, trying to twist out of Chris's grip, "I didn't get her number for you!"

"I can't take you anywhere," Chris mutters.

"Why is there paint all over your foot?" Zach demands.

leupagus: END

merelyn: \o/

leupagus: Hahaha
I think it's longer than the original story

merelyn: possibly! which is awesome.
i think that's the most amazing self indulgent and gratuitous thing i've read ever.
*rolls around in it like a puppy*

leupagus: Hahaha
Yeah, I'm OK with posting Home Depot, but this is eyes only

merelyn: yeah, word.
we should send it to

twentysomething, though.

leupagus: Oh, def
And be like THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LEAVE US

(later)

rageprufrock: i, too, honestly don't know
what i would do if i met zach quinto
and he introduced me to chris pine
i think i might just cry
like really earnest, ugly tears

leupagus: I think you would say something ridicutarded like this

merelyn: WHORETEARS

rageprufrock: or i'd be like
CAN I TOUCH YOUR FACE?

leupagus: I think you already did that in the story, and ZQ was just like, *shrug* go for it
I don't think much fazes him

merelyn: he's so easy.

rageprufrock: it's b/c we're soulmates

(later still)

rageprufrock: i find it a tragedy you're not posting this, though

merelyn: yeah, i'd be cool with it.

leupagus: You post it

merelyn: haaa
i'll post it!

leupagus: I posted the last time!
YES

merelyn posts it